It is often said that “making love” is just a euphemism for “having s*x.” To be sure, these terms are frequently used interchangeably. Unfortunately, this common use (or misuse) can mask the important distinction between these 2 activities. Indeed many people who have “good s*x” mistake it for love only to find out that their apparent lover was not the person with whom they cared to spend their life with.
This is not to proclaim the moral, or prudential, superiority of making love. Indeed some would prefer to just have s*x. “S*x alleviates Tension,” “Love causes it.” (tension) Still, it is important that one gets what one wants.Of course, making love (as distinct from being in love) necessarily involves having s*x. But having s*x, even great s*x, is not necessarily making love, for example just as a nice cool beer is not a glass of wine. Truly, some may prefer the taste of the one to the other, and a beer may be the drink of choice on a given occasion (say, at a BBQ party); but it would indeed be unfortunate if one ordered a glass of Guinness in an inti-mate setting and was served a galss of Star.
So are you making love or just having s*x? Are you getting what you really want? And if not, how can you get it?
The first of these 3 questions can be answered only if one knows the difference between having s*x versus making love. But this, in turn, requires pinning down the meanings of each. Procreation is not the essential purpose of having s*x; so you are not doing anything wrong (that is, mis-using your body) if you are having s*x without trying to get pregnant. Indeed, according to research , there is no essential purpose to s*x beyond fulfilling your desire for contact with another person’s body.
Inasmuch as s*x is a desire for physical contact with someone else’s body, it is a mechanical activity. Rubbing, Touching, Caressing, Kissing, Su-king and, of course, Interc*urse, as fulfillments of a desire for physical contact, are all s*xual activities in this sense. Here, a key word is “mechanical” because these activities are essentially ways of mechanically stimulating or arousing oneself. Per se, they are self-regarding; they seek self-gratification, fulfillment of a purely self-interested desire. As distinct from mere s*x, love-making dissolves the gap between “you” and “me.” The resolution, however, is not “us” because “we” can still be divided. Instead, in love-making there is the mutual consciousness of unbounded unity without partition, love is “composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.” In making love, your loins are mine, and mine yours. The titillations of mine are yours also, and yours mine My past, present, and future; my hopes, dreams, and expectation; and yours, merge as one—not two—persons, It is an ecstatic feeling that defies any breach in Oneness. It takes two to Tango, and so too does it take (at least) two to make love. Unreciprocated love-making is unsuccessful love-making. The flames of love-making are quick to die when one gives oneself, body and soul, only to be turned away. Where the other seeks only a body, wanting only s*x, love-making is squandered even if it is not (at least at first) apparent to the one attempting to make love. It is a counterfeit if based on pretense because there is duality, not unity, and there is manipulation and objectification, not authentic, mutual respect.
For you, is it love making or just s*x?
(1.) It may be “making love” if both people’s entire bodies are loved on. It may be only “having s*x” if it’s mostly about the genitals and what’s done with them.
(2.) If all sorts of different emotions are felt during a s*xual encounter, these emotions can be shared and also empathized with, its more likely to be “making love”. If only s*xual feelings are felt and shown, it’s more likely to be “having s*x”.
(3.) Possibly it’s “making love” when there is the inclusion of the very tender, the closely inti-mate, and the sweetly precious along with the passionate and the powerful. Possibly it’s “having s*x” when it’s all simple, raw, quick, rough or boring s*x.
(4.) It may be “about love” if “No” is an OK answer to a s*xual request. It may be just “having power trip s*x” if s*xual desires are expressed as demands, followed by punishing rejection if the demands are not complied with.
(5.) If before, during, and after a s*xual episode you feel a pleasing sense of warmth and a happy sense of bonding, it could be “making love”. If these or similar feelings are lacking, even if it was fantastically great s*x, it may not have been making love but rather “having s*x”.
(6.) In an ongoing series of s*xual events with a partner, it’s more likely to be “making love” if there is a fairly wide variety in the intensity, amount of time, and amount of energy involved and, therefore, lazy s*x, silly s*x, mental s*x, sleepy s*x, and no cli-max s*x can all be part of the ongoing picture. It’s more likely to be “having s*x” if it’s usually pretty much the same experience over and over again.
(7.) When having s*x makes you want to know and experience your partner more, be increasingly close, and do more of life together, it is more likely to be “making love”. If having s*x ends with just a feeling of being finished and wanting to get on with something else apart from your partner, it could be just “having s*x”.
(8.) If following s*x there is an inner dialogue of self-demeaning focus or partner-demeaning focus, criticism, derogatory thoughts, etc. it’s more likely to have been just a form of poor conflicted “having s*x”. If, however, after s*x there is an inner and outer dialogue of affirmation, appreciation, honoring and celebration, it may have been “making love”.
(9.) It may be “making love” if there are lots of responding in kind to each loving touch, movement, word, kiss, sound, caress, look, etc.. It may be “having s*x” if there is only short, mild, or no responsiveness, or if responses are made only to that which is blatantly s*xual.
(10.) It could be about “making love” if whatever you want, or don’t want, can be talked about freely and lovingly. It may be “having poor or restricted s*x” if there are earnest putdowns, critical remarks, rejection statements, or shaming words and actions given for expressing different s*xual thoughts or desires.
(11.) It could be making love if there is as much, or more focus on pleasuring as being pleasured. It’s more likely just to be having s*x if satisfaction of the self is the prime goal.
(12.) ‘Wild s*x’, ‘kinky s*x’, ‘dirty s*x’, etc. all can be part of making love if there is real care and concern for a s*x partner’s happiness and well-being along with adequate safeguarding. All the many forms of s*xuality without loving care and concern as an integrated part just may be different ways to be having s*x.
(13.) It really could be making love if all levels and types of one’s physical s*xual response and reaction system are acceptable and lovingly treated. If the physical s*xual system of the self, or of the partner, does not respond as desired and that leads to emotional and/or relational dissonance, it probably is more about s*x than love.
(14) It is more likely to be love making if there are a lot of mutual all over gentle caresses, tender kisses, terms of endearment, cuddles, and loving looks leading up to, during and especially following orgasms or following a nap after orgasm. It might be having s*x if all that’s going on are actions that directly assist getting to a cli*ax.
(15) Making love more likely is occurring when there are feelings of deep connectedness, high appreciation and high valuing of the unique personal aspects of the partner and of the relationship with the partner. If there are worries about what the partner is thinking of you, of your s*xual expertise, of your masculinity or femininity, of your attractiveness, etc. then maybe it’s more about having insecure s*x.
(16) If there are repeated insistences or demands for certain s*x practices (including interc*urse and clim*x), and without those practices bad feelings and relationship troubles occur, it might be more about having s*x than making love. If there is a free-flowing variety of s*xual requests with alternates being lovingly accepted ,then it’s more likely to be about making love.
(17) It’s much more likely to be about love making when s*xual encounters lead to a greater love of life, general sense of being uplifted, sense of awe, appreciation of beauty and higher self love. If the experience leads to a sense of lowered self worth, to indifference, to a desire to get away, to a sense of lonely aloneness or despair, etc. it may have been having unfulfilling s*x.
(18) When there is a sense of conquest, scoring, using, defeating, proving potency or self importance, of lowering another’s value, getting even, etc. it’s not likely to be about making love. When there is a sense of mutual enrichment, shared joy, giving and getting benefit, and having done a really good, natural thing then it’s much more likely to be making love.
(19) If there are restrictions on verbal or behavioral expressions of strong, vigorous, powerful, potent s*xuality along with insistence on only verbally expressing reassurance, commitment, devotion, or tender love and on all s*x actions being mild, it could be that having insecurity-filled s*x is what’s really happening. When a wide variety of expressions of s*xuality along with free-flowing expressions of love are being enjoyed, lovemaking with ero-ticism is more likely.
(20) Feeling proud, blessed, delighted, cherished, sublime, glorious, excellent, and of course well loved tends to go with quality love making.
(21) If there is a lot of guilt, shame, disgust, fear, depression, anxiety, repulsion, etc. then it seems there probably is not enough healthy self-love and self care happening while having s*x. If there is a sense of healthy self-fulfillment, mixed with care and concern for a partner’s pleasure, well-being and fulfillment, then love making more likely is occurring.
(22) If when contemplating a s*xual encounter there is a fear of failing, performing inadequately, not living up to a standard, or somehow being insufficient then perhaps it’s about having ‘performance’ s*x. When whatever happens is okay and able to be treated with mutual lovingness and fun, and when there is a continuance of sensuous and loving actions even when there is a ‘oops’, then good healthy making love more probably is in evidence.
(23) It probably just was having great s*x if wonderful ero-tic excitement, intense pleasure and saturating satisfaction resulted. However, if there also was added feelings of marvelous union, cosmic connection and spiritual elation then possibly it was great s*x with great love making.
(24.) It’s probably making love when there is a high valuing of the partner, the ero-tic experience of the partner, and the all over relationship with the partner. It’s probably having s*x if the s*xual experience itself is the only thing being valued.
In conclusion it’s imperative that as spouses, we need to self evaluate ourselves every now and again to see if we are satisfying ourselves in the area of love making. Now this is to the women : We must ensure as women we are not just having s*x with our husbands or just sleeping with them so that they wont go to another woman, we should try to make love to them, satisfy them, try something new with them and satisfy ourselves in the process.
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