Frustration is a form of poorly expressed anger. Frustration is about
expecting the world and its inhabitants to be a certain way. In reality,
things are as they are and no amount of ranting and steaming is going
to change that. What you do need to change is
your perspective.
Steps:
Look for the triggers that cause you to feel frustration. Common ones include:
- Impatience at the speed of people, systems, or results
- Slow comprehension of facts or a situation by another person
- Lack of reliability of a person, item, or system
- General sense of unfairness or injustice about things that are occurring in your life
- Poor communications resulting in something not being done at all, or on time
- Wanting things your own way without compromise Think through your answers. Do any of the above
situations apply to you? If so, note down why. Draw another column and
suggest ways that you might address each frustration in a fruitful
manner instead. For example:
- "I get frustrated when the traffic crawls to halt and I am sitting in it, sweating. Counter thought: "I do hate the traffic being slow but I can avoid it by leaving earlier or later; or I can ride a bike instead."
- "I cannot stand the way George is so slow at understanding the point of every exercise! I'm tearing out my hair!" Counter thought:
"I know that George is a slow learner but my goodness, when he grasps
the concepts finally, there is no stopping him and he is often the
person who points out errors as we go along, helping us to avoid greater
problems at the end of the project. I need to be patient with him and remember that he has this latent skill."
- "Jenny never turns up on time. It's as if she is deliberately trying to ruin every occasion I spend with her!" Counter-thought:
"Jenny has a problem with punctuality. It's not my problem unless I
make it one. Instead, I need to either make her arrive on time by
suggesting she arrive at a time half an hour earlier than the real time
set, or I just need to get on with enjoying myself until she does
arrive, in the full knowledge that that is her way."
- "Everything is so unfair! Even the weather is against me making my
hair all lank and horrible. The people on the street are deliberately
bumping into me. The taxi was late and I was late going into the meeting
as a result. The whole world is against me!" Counter thought:
"It's just one of those days where things happen over which I have
little control. All the same, next time I will book my taxi for half an
hour earlier to make time for possible delays. And as for my hair, it is
probably time to see the hair stylist anyway!" Breathe deeply and count when you feel a bout of frustration coming on.
This is a good opportunity to create your reaction rather than to react
and create your frustration. One deep breath, followed by a slow count
to ten, during which time you let your thoughts go. Return to reality
and consider the situation before you carefully and with a reality
check. Ask yourself:
- Are things really as I perceive them?
- What sort of reaction can I give that will properly express my concern, my annoyance, my wishes?
- What good and positive words can I use to express the need for seeing things my way too?
- Am I seeing things in other people's way too? Remember that frustration is born of wanting things or people to be a certain way that is fixed in your head.
Your expectations of others and of how the world works is formed over
many years of experiences and sometimes your personal overlay is
defective; it might have been a source of self-protection once but when
it continues to advise you poorly for future experiences, then it is
stuck in time, and generally plain wrong. When you cease to expect other
people to act in a certain way, when you start to look at the world
with fresh eyes again and expect nothing apart from the fact that you
are a member of a community of individuals and a world of many
happenings, then you start to realize that things happen, people are the
way that they are, and most importantly of all, how you react matters. For example:
- Let's say that somebody yells at you for accidentally standing on
the street, as you intend to cross the road at the same time that
they're coming around. There is no real fault here. You thought the road
was clear, the driver did too. Neither of you had malicious intent. To
take offense at the driver's fear of running you over is to place an
interpretation on this event that isn't there; instead, accept that the
driver was scared they'd hurt you (and that's a good intent) and that
your piece in the action was equal. Simply apologize, acknowledge your
own scare in the situation, and move on.Practice talking back to yourself every time that frustration arises.
It takes a long time to overcome what has become essentially a very
comforting but demoralizing habit. While it might feel justified to feel
a sense of outrage, persecution, and insult, where do those types of
self-pitying feelings ultimately lead you? They lead to personal
stagnation and a victimhood type mentality
that prevents you from growing as a human being and from experiencing
what the whole world truly has to offer. Don't give up on letting go the
grip of frustration; it will take time but it will happen if you put in
a concerted effort to change your perspective.
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